Is It OK
Did the antidepressants make me worse did the antidepressants make me better enough to make it worth it am I worse am I lost is that homeless man any different from me should he be /You’re/ did they warn you before you gave me antidepressants is it OK to stop is there such a thing as opposing antidepressants with mood stabilizers in order to minimize their negative effects /You’re very/ can moods be stabilized can a person be stabilized is opposition real did antidepressants make me manic did you make me manic whose idea was this mine will I always be depressed without antidepressants /You’re very bright/ have I reached a steady state is there enough time for me to reach a steady state before September when classes start what will I do if I lose my job where will I go if I lose my housing is it OK not to shower do I have a disability am I ill is there a Venn diagram showing the relationship between conceptions of disability & conceptions of illness am I saying that right /You’re a very bright girl/ I’m 42 will I get better what’s better what’s human is it OK to have feelings is it human to be a rock what about a flood is it OK to cry if it’s only a little is it OK to fuck how many times I mean how many times is too many how many times is too manic is this about containment is it OK to watch a television show if it makes me cry how many times per episode what’s the difference between a disability & an illness is the Venn diagram just one circle or is it two full circles where one stays the same while the other one gets better or worse where in the Venn diagram is the word future is it better not to have expectations is there a reasonable expectation I’ll get better /I couldn’t say either way but you’re a very bright girl/ are Lithium & antipsychotics better than antidepressants is depression better than mania is diabetes better than mania will antipsychotics make me better enough to make it worth it can I change my mind can I change your mind is the diabetes permanent what about the thirst what about the hunger will I get fat more fat
Amanda Gunn was recently named a Stegner Fellow. Her work appears in, or is forthcoming from, Poetry magazine, Colorado Review, Poetry Northwest, and The Baffler.