getting half is better than getting it all
with the pink of 70s polaroids
the sun is going down
while I drive to my lover’s
did I mention we’re (probably) no longer lovers?
that I haven’t heard from him in six weeks and two days?
more books arrived today, books that I’ll never read
because my brain can’t focus and I’ll be dead soon
dead people aren’t renowned for their reading abilities
but at least they don’t have to figure out what they want
for dinner
meanwhile I still haven’t finished unpacking my bag from flying
to see Meshell Ndegeocello six weeks and one day ago
don’t worry, I’m not really driving to see him
it’s only in my head that I do this
repeatedly
two weeks ago my persimmon tree’s leaves were rust red
and she looked stunning against the blue of my fence
now she’s naked and someone will have to wait til spring
to see if she survived another winter
my phone autocorrects orgasm to or gas money
it changes Rawiri to Raw Irish
and I’m still using the present tense even though
it should be past tense: changed
it’s been months since it autocorrected to Raw Irish
I would message him
duck Raw Irish, I want your cocktail deep in me
I want to cumulative with you inside me
I feel stupid for having wasted so much effort and money
trying to get back the or gas money that depression took from me
because I wanted things to keep being great for us
I wanted to keep feeling good and not be frustrated with my brain
I got my asexual psychologist to help me figure out
what might be contributing to the disappearing or gas money
and what might help to get them back
I researched neurotransmitters
and started taking dopamine precursors
which cost me $32.20 (wholesale) for a 20-day supply
I masturbated – up to 2 hours a day – trying
to get my or gas money back
and then my or gas money came back
but Raw Irish had disappeared and I don’t know why
my phone never autocorrects away sad
or changes hurt to something easier
it never manages to autocorrect me
into being anything good or useful
into Paw Lamé or Poor Lantern
Paula Harris is extremely fond of dark chocolate, shoes and hoarding fabric, and tweets randomly at @paulaoffkilter