THIS IS NOT A TEST
*This poem borrows language/phrasing from Zingerman’s newsletter “What Does ‘Extra Virgin’ Mean?”
I COULD NEVER STAR IN A ROM COM BECAUSE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER WOULD I ALLOW A PERSON TO STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR, REMOVE MY GLASSES, PUT ME IN A TIGHT DRESS, AND DECLARE ME BEAUTIFUL
After François André Camoin & Nikki Giovanni
SIDE A
(HOLIDAY SONG The Pixies) I sing only to myself & found out…when I wrote you a letter you mailed it back to me for reference…(OUTTA ME Bikini Kill) I couldn’t make sense of you…all the movies, songs, novels told me…you were to be cruel…& I was to like it…(I WANNA BE YOUR JOEY RAMONE Sleater-Kinney) I saw my shadow in first, second, & third position when I was in elementary school…the boys no one liked…liked me…(PLATEAU Nirvana) I find of photo of us in all black by a pool I didn’t swim in & it seems…impossible…(BABY BITCH Ween) My friends wanted to fuck you…& maybe they did…My lips hazed in a slight red Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper…(OVERLAP Ani Difranco) You were not easy when you called me…demonica…behind my back…(1979 Smashing Pumpkins) My car not your car…starts & leaves…the cassette tape I wind with my finger…(GONE TILL NOVEMBER Wyclef Jean)…I roll my eyes when I begin to…think I loved you…(TONGUE R.E.M) My dad told me not to get…my nose open & when…my nails get too long they hurt…I give up caffeine…(SHADOWBOXER Fiona Apple) I let you get drunk & waited for you…to say…you can ask me anything…(DIVORCE SONG Liz Phair) Who do we like like…girls, boys, somewhere in between there was no…language no definition for…our desire…that which hummed…in the electrical wires…was dangerous…was what we…or at least I told nobody…(LE PAIN PERDU Cibo Matto) The last time I saw you…you weren’t as beautiful…as I remembered…I walked with my…shoulders held back & thought I could’ve…nodded but not waved…the shirt I cut the sleeves off…revealed much of my arm & the beginning of a bra…(YURI-G PJ Harvey) You knew…and never told me…I threw away your mixtapes…(WASHING MACHINE Sonic Youth) You handed me a new pair of boxer shorts…your underwear…because I should want to wear them & this…was what boyfriends did…(EVERYBODY HERE WANTS YOU Jeff Buckley) Your phone number…was almost mine…except for the last two digits…(CYANIDE BREATH MINT Beck) When you kissed me goodnight the lotion from your face stuck to the glasses…I refused to remove…
SIDE B
(HEY JUPITER Tori Amos) A car with one headlight & I can’t recall…what to wish for…or what you ate besides…french fries with mayonnaise…& ketchup…(PERFECT DAY Lou Reed) I got a tattoo of a woman…corazón & pear…I am not patient…I bite…I felt uncomfortable…not pretty…when I pierced your lapel…with a white carnation…(HYPER-BALLAD Björk) Seventeen with short hair because…boys are defined…by appearance & girls…should want to appear…before sex education starts…when we are told…not to have sex…& move on to CPR…the torso waiting on our desk…eyes open…(WONDERWALL Oasis) You said…you wanted me…to throw…books at your window…it was the Forth of July…(WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS Annie Lennox) What did I buy you for your birthday…a candy ring or the pencil…behind your ear…(A GIRL LIKE YOU Edwyn Collins) I liked the sound of rain caught…under tires…highways & engines…skipping a gear I drove just to drive…then the city was anything but…real I couldn’t…get lost even in the neighborhood I knew…you were scared of…the areas of all GM cars & your parents laughed about being…the only ones on the block…with a Honda…the joke was me saying everyone…works…for GM here…(LITTLE CONVERSATIONS Concrete Blonde) My best friend threatened to beat you up you were so mad at me…when I laughed…(WATING The Rentals) When I dream of you…you are young you…stay the same…(CAR SONG Elastica) hair partially dirty, almost long…in between living with your parents…& caring …what I think…(CRUEL TO BE KIND Nick Lowe) You compared me to icing…poured…on too hot a cake…you said…you would go to college…& then…affirmative action…would allow me…(RED & BLUE JEANS The Promise Ring) You called to ask the name…of a song…I couldn’t remember & maybe…you loved me…the last time you said it I got out of your car…& threw up…(COME TO MY WINDOW Melissa Etheridge) I thought you couldn’t…not in your leather pants…not in the way you color coded your mixtapes…by songs that were…for me & to me…(LANDSLIDE Fleetwood Mac) I drove past where you worked…it is something else now…no music but cheap suits…I can’t picture you in…your body mysterious…as your death…neither I’ve seen…been allowed to touch…your handwriting tiny &…tightly fit into the fold of a letter…where you thought…I wouldn’t look…Free of you…in the dream you…return to & I let you go…
In memory of GMJ
Monica Rico is Mexican American and the author of PINION, winner of the Four Way Books Levis Prize in Poetry selected by Kaveh Akbar. She works for the Bear River Writers’ Conference and has recently published poems in Poetry Northwest’s Life List, Gastronomica, and The Missouri Review. Follow her at www.monicaricopoet.com